I am Getting High on Fluid from a Hydraulic Pump in a Dropped Pickup; I am Sneaky

I am standing in the bed of my friend's lowered pickup truck, sipping hydraulic fluid through one of the hoses like a crazy straw. Suddenly, I realize that it's getting me high, and I crouch down in panic that my mother will somehow be able to tell. I wake up, and I'm still sneaky. c. 2005

I am a Buddy Cop, but Not the Effective One. Someone's Fiance Stabs a Family Member

I am a buddy cop character in the home stretch of a buddy cop movie, where I am employing my own unique skill set to defeat the bad guy. For me, this means wandering aimlessly around a house where people are preparing for their beautiful daughter to wed some asshole guy. My buddy is the more effective one of the duo, and ran away into the night after subduing a team of assassins with his martial arts prowess, so I'm in charge of this situation. The husband-to-be gets in a dispute over something stupid and wedding-related with a member of the family, stabs them, and flees in the 'Just Married' car, so I try to pursue him on foot, but firemen and first responders (they never show up until the end of the showdown in buddy cop movies) are blocking the doorway. The bride is mildly embarrassed that she got the family mixed up with such a bastard, but not very sincerely--because she's enamored with the more effective buddy cop. I get the impression that nobody's really concerned about any of this, and that they can handle the situation themselves, so I wake up, and eat some fajita meat. 1-19-2012

Big Moe is my Football Coach; he Feeds Me Cough Syrup and a Bagel, and we Watch ESPN

I am on a football team coached by Big Moe (this Big Moe  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6NPXLfenQE ), doing conditioning for an upcoming game. This consists of drinking cough syrup and eating bagels with cream cheese on the couch with my friend Big Moe, flipping through channels that seem to be nothing but ESPN and the warning message on pay-per-view cable porn channels. I wake up feeling like there's nothing on, and a little sick--like I drank cough syrup and ate a bagel with cream cheese. 1-16-2012

I am Late

I am late for school. I wake up, and it is Saturday.
or... I wake up, and I am late. On a recurring basis, ever since I was about 8 years old.

I am Leaving a Building; I am Saying Goodbye to a Bunch of Arbitrary People

Two hands peel back the roof of a multi-story home and drop me in. I am in a room with my ex-girlfriend's parents, who were very kind to me. They listen silently as I explain that it's nothing personal, but I have to leave, and I wave goodbye as I go downstairs. I meet more of her friends and family members, and eventually people from my hometown, as I descend through the building, and give my thoughts to each of them. I walk out onto the porch, and her mother grabs my arm and gives me a pair of dentures. I leave with the dentures and I wake up feeling kind of good. Spring 2011

I am in a Runaway Little-Red-Wagon; I get Hit by a Car While Canoodling

I am in a Radio Flyer that has been somehow adapted for use by two mature adults, one of whom I am romantically attracted to is sitting next to me. We are rolling at a dangerous speed down the hill next to the Dining Commons. We embrace, and share a kiss as we roll into oncoming traffic. I wake up, and go to the Dining Commons. 12-14-2012

I am in a Meat-Chamber; I find Dead Cat underneath the House-Mouth

I am in a massive chamber reminiscent of the National Cathedral, which I visited once in Jr. High School. Everything is made out of living flesh. I see a white kitten, so I run after it, but it runs away and disappears in the distance. I walk for a bit, until I'm directly in the middle of the cross of the cathedral, where the giant stone would rest in the center of the dome. I see something white and bloody directly in the center, and upon closer inspection, it's the cat, which is a mangled mess. I look up, and instead of the huge multi-ton stone that is supposed to hold the weight of the tower , there is a giant human mouth, with gnashing teeth and a tongue. The floor moves and I wake up. Summer 2010

Somebody is Playing Drums

I watch somebody play drums. I wake up, and I want to find a drummer and start a band. 9-29-2009

I am a Bounty Hunter in a Philip K. Dick Book. My Ecologist Boss is my Dystopian Landlord

My best friend from highschool and I are both Bounty Hunters and freelance jazz musicians in the universe of Philip K. Dick's Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? We walk around a really cool cityscape. We go home (we live in a big candle-lit cathedral) and my ecologist employer in the real world is my landlord. I wake up, and my ecologist employer is my landlord at the research center I sleep in. 1-12-2010

My Hair Grows in Reverse

I am admiring myself in a mirror. My hair grows back into my scalp. I panic. I wake up and call my mother. She tells me she just had a dream where she killed a beaver with a bow and arrow. 1-17-2010

I am an Indian Classical Musician, Very Close to Making It in the Business

I am an Indian Classical Musician, very close to making it in the Business. Just as I'm about to become a star, I wake up, and I'm in the Study Space with my two friends during final exams, and we're getting chased out by security because it's very late. We leave. 5-10-2010

A Couple I Know are Preying Mantises; We Hang Out

A couple that I know are both preying mantises, but human-sized. The fact that she'll probably eat his head after copulation never arises, and we have a good time hanging out. 9-2-2010

Shot in the Eye by Al Pacino's blind character in Scent of A Woman

I am trying to steal a desktop calendar from Al Pacino's character Slade, from the bildungsroman film, Scent of A Woman. Slade shoots me in the eye, and I flee with a big messy hole where my eye used to be. Fortunately, it doesn't hurt. I wake up glad to have not just one but two working eyeballs. 9-10-2010

Disdain = Interest in Punk Rock; Free Beer at Student Center

I am in the Student Center at school, wearing my sleeveless denim vest that was so punk rock in high school. There is a fashion punk in the campus center, and she strikes up a conversation with me, where everything spiteful or disdainful I saw makes me grow in her eyes until she throws herself at me. I don't want to be punk rock with anybody so I run into the little restaurant in the Student Center and bolt the doors. They are serving free beer. I wake up glad that I didn't just drink a ton of free beer. 9-21-2010

Embraced by Hairy Unrequited Love; Zombies Fall out of Sky and Cause Property Damage

 I am somewhere outdoors in my underwear, and this girl that I harbor a deep romantic affection for greets me with a warm hug. As I'm hugging her, I realize that she has an extraordinarily hairy back like a shaggy golden retriever. Then, it starts raining zombies. It's not like the often-dramatized zombie apocalypse in the sense that they shuffle around groping for the living, but very dangerous in that they continue to plummet out of the sky and smash automobiles and break windows. Finally I am evacuated to Russia. I wake up with a sense of longing. 9-22-2010

I Argue with My Girlfriend

I'm standing on the street in Philadelphia arguing with my girlfriend. She stomps off, and gets into an idling car, which I chase after--but it drives away. A van--which I somehow know contains mafia hitmen--crests a hill, and drives straight for me across several empty lanes. I duck into an alleyway, and steal a parked car, and spend the rest of the dream pursued through Philly by the mob in their van. I wake up, and tell my girlfriend about it. 11-13-2010

I am in the Illuminati; I shoot Aliens and Participate in Machine Politics

I am one of the Illuminati, and I am drinking beer and picking politicians out of a hat with the rest of the surprisingly casual group. Everybody is wearing robes, sitting around in a stone chamber, and just sort of hanging out. Then I go outside, and am attacked by a bunch of weird, vicious, furry creatures like tribbles from Star Trek. I shoot at them with a shotgun and go back inside. I wake up, and work as a delivery driver, but I put my robe on to go to the bathroom. 11-14-2010

I Hit Wolves with a Chair from the Cafeteria

I am at SMOG (a student-run music venue) late at night, when I am attacked by timber-wolves. They pursue me inside, but do not see me produce a chair from the Dining Commons. I smack the wolves with the heavy chair on the pit of the venue, and they flee. I wake up feeling invincible. 11-15-2010

A Vision of the Future

I am 20 years into the future, so of course I sleep on your couch. In the future, everything will look like the neighborhood in the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and I am inexplicably about 3 feet taller, which was disorienting. I wake up on my friend's couch. 1-28-2011

Lovely Women are Drowning me While I try to Explain my Feelings to Them

I am trying to tread water in a swimming pool, and every woman to whom I have ever felt romantically attached is gathered en masse poolside, where they take turns jabbing at me with a skimming net to prevent me from surfacing to get air, and they're all sharing a laugh. I just want to explain my feelings to them, but they won't quit trying to drown me. I wake up rather sad and frustrated. 2-4-2011

I am in an After-School Special

All my notes from this one say is that "It was like a surrealist's take on an after-school special TV show." I'm sorry, but I don't think we're getting much out of this. 3-9-2011

I Am Not Paying Attention in Class

I am color-coding something important while simultaneously doing a crossword puzzle. I wake up in Philosophy Class, embarrassed. 3-10-2011

I am Involved in a Dispute in Class; I Smash a Boil with a Chair

A classmate with a large, exciting boil on his neck and I are involved in a heated argument, and he begins to chase me around the table where we all sit. He turns his back, and I smash the boil with a chair. I wake up defensive. 3-28-2011

I Wear a Sexy Red Dress to my Job, Work with a Jerk, and Get into a Fistfight with a Famous Painter

I report for painting duty at B&G, wearing a red cocktail dress; a new coworker won't stop hitting on me, or shut up about the new Pokemon games ("Seriously, though; which one is your favorite?"). Then, I am transported through time and space to my 7th grade history class, where I get into a fistfight with Marc Chagall, who has decided to visit as well. He says, "I've never gotten anything but compliments on this painting [it's I and the Village, and it does suck] and this is a character assassination." I respond by leaping on him with the intent of murdering his painting. I wake up tired of dealing with people. 5-2-2011

I Deal with Quality Assurance Issue with Kangaroo/Camel Mutant at Sonic Drive-in

 I am working in the back room of Sonic, and it falls to my lot to take care of a giant kangaroo with a camel-head. For some reason, this involved dressing it up in an XXL sweatshirt and feeding it alcohol out of a mop bucket. It proceeds to go on a weirdly sexual rampage and trashes the area where they keep mustard packets, styrofoam cups and plastic toys. I wake up exhausted and stressed out from dodging behind the make-table over and over again when the giant head lunges at me from its old-lady sweater. 6-21-2011

I Release Eponymous Solo Album, Have my Name Written in ALL CAPS.

I release an album under my own name, and afterwards, whenever I see my name in print, it's entirely capitalized like band names in the punk rock magazine MAXIMUM ROCKNROLL. I wake up and my name is mostly lowercase. 6-24-2011

Exorcise Demon from Britney Spears on a Commode

 I purge a demon from Britney Spears' body by swearing at her while she uses the restroom. I wake up and discover that I fell asleep with my lamp on. 7-3-2011

I Return People's Belongings; Witness Eli Porter Chased by Campus Security

I return about 20 dropped possessions to people while walking around campus. Then, I witness Eli Porter tag the administration building with a neon green "4" and be chased away by security. I wake up wondering what it means. 8-12-2011

I Shoot Monkeys with Slingshot; Meet God of Monkeys

I am involved in a shootout with monkeys at the abandoned church at the Rondout in Kingston. They are pelting me with rocks, and I am returning fire with my slingshot. After I drive them away, I meet their god. I wake up with a sense of accomplishment. 7-24-2011

I am Late for Brunch Date with The Creator

 I can't figure out how to take the right NYC train to meet The Creator at a deli on a street that doesn't exist. I finally get there, by riding the A train off the track, and all that's left when I get there was a paper plate with some cucumber slices, smothered in A1 Steak Sauce. I wake up hungry. 9-14-2012

Dream with Dreamless Sleep

I am about to fall asleep, and I dream that I have dreamless sleep. I wake up understanding a Gramsci paper, and very pleased. 10-10-2012

Eating Nachos; Serving Utensil is Stone Age Scooping Tool

I'm trying my best to fix myself the most delicious plate of nachos with an extremely unwieldy scooping tool (it's very tricky; I think it was a tusk of some kind that had been adapted for scooping nachos) in what appears to be an architectural mish-mash of the Dining Commons servery and the cafeteria from my elementary school. But people keep making me drop my nachos to run errands; finally several hours (of dreamtime) have come and gone, and it's about 7:00 and I want to get some nachos and tell all these people to fuck off somewhere, but they've already put away the nachos 30 minutes before the place is scheduled to close (which definitely happens in real life) so the rest of the dream is me dejectedly picking up my cold nachos out of icy water and other strange things that I dropped them into, and snapping at people who appear at my elbow. I wake up hungry. 1-8-2012

I'm on a Pyramid, Chased by Cacti, and I Fall Off

I'm navigating one face of a massive pyramid, which is very difficult, because it's hard to walk around on this kind of surface. Cacti of some animate, mobile variety are rolling after me up the sides of the pyramid, and I'm very disinclined to deal with that. So I'm running away, and I forget that it's a pyramid, and I pitch off one of the corners and roll down the side of the pyramid for a very long time. I wake up amused, because of the geometric inevitability of something like this happening. c. 2012

I Battle a Sea Serpent; Nothing Happens

I'm on a rocky island in the middle of the sea, shaped like a donut. (There's a name for this shape, but I can't remember it, even now.) Suddenly a fire-breathing sea serpent attacks me, and chases me around and around the island, causing massive destruction, and getting pelted with rocks by me. This type of thing isn't likely to be resolved easily with hand-sized rocks, and it apparently never is. I wake up tired. Spring 2009

I can Blow up Shops in the Mall with my Mind and Fly

I'm in a more futuristic iteration of all the shopping malls I've ever been inside in my life jumbled together. I can focus my spite into massive localized explosions, so I spend several hours sprinting down the passages and willing shops such as Build-a-Bear Workshop, Hot Topic, FYE, manicure kiosks, perfume kiosks, cell phone kiosks, jewelry kiosks, and The Hallmark Store to explode, and they're kind enough to oblige me with remarkable Hollywood style blasts that rattle the walls. Also, I can fly, so I do that, and make stores on the 2nd level explode too. Nobody is hurt, because I have the sensation of having destroyed the marketing concept of the store, instead of its market. I wake up exhilarated, but rather confused. Spring 2011.

Hitting a Cheetah with a Baseball Bat

I'm standing in the middle of a vast expanse where I can see for miles. I see a cheetah, which spots me too, and starts heading my way at a million miles per hour. 'Oh shit!' I think, 'What am I going to do when it gets here?' I scramble around frantically, and find a baseball bat. The dream gets very long here, as I anxiously take practice swings, and the cheetah gets closer and closer, but still very far away. I worry about timing my swing just right so that I can clobber the cheetah mid-pounce, and get into a stance that I believe will make this easier. It gets closer and closer and closer and closer... and the beast leaps! I swing! I wake up glad I didn't have to watch the end of that. Fall 2009.

Green Burrito/Caterpillar in my Doorway; I Make a Leap

I am in my bed, and the room is filled with an eerie light coming from the open door. I look in the doorway, and for some reason I'm terrified to discover that there's a burrito with green meat lying in the doorway. For a moment it's inert, but then it starts to inch back and forth in the doorway like a caterpillar. 'I have to get the hell out of here,' I say to myself. I spend about 3 minutes getting up my courage to leap over the... burrito, and out into the hallway, but I'm very scared that it's going to jump up and touch me. Finally, I scream and dash towards the door, and leap, and the burrito leaps into the air too! ...I wake up, about 8 years old, panicked and sweaty. c. 1999.

Night-terror In Jail with Outlaw Bikers--Bloodbath Ensues

I'm in jail, or maybe just a concrete box. There are some pretty bad guys in there with me--1%-er outlaw bikers, who I'm aware want to do me serious bodily and psychological harm. There's a bunch of them. When they come for me, I'm so terrified and ready to fight for my life that I somehow escape serious injury (it just wasn't a part of this one), but the dream won't stop (night-terrors are like this sometimes; you never wake up when you get too scared, like you would in a regular nightmare). I punch and kick and bite for a very long time, and finally I've actually ripped them to pieces with my bare hands, and I'm covered head-to-toe in blood, but the gore keeps coming at me because it's still alive and malicious, and I reach the horrifying realization that I won't be able to destroy their ill-will. I wake up in a pool of sweat, so terrified that I can't move. Summer 2010.

Grandma's House; Eaten by Carrot-men

I am at my great-grandma's house, playing with my toys on the porch. Then, there are carrot men, with spindly legs and arms, and needly, jagged teeth, like daggers. I flee down the pathway and they chase me with an oddly-syncopated gait, that makes them look like they're dancing. I wake up and I'm about 4 or 5 years old, and I'm absolutely terrified. c. 1995

I am Donald Duck; there is an Octopus

I am Donald Duck; there is an octopus. Donald Duck can't swim underwater very well, and the giant octopus draws me in by inhaling water, and eats me with its beak. I wake up, about 5 years old, and I'm fucking terrified. c. 1996.

Naked at School; Volcano; Seafood

I find myself totally naked on top of a hill by the cafeteria at college, and have to dress myself in a pair of too-small, bright red, flannel-print briefs that are being perpetually swept away by the wind. Then, there is a volcano (I'm not sure if it erupted; there just is a volcano), and I escape into the Dining Commons to safety, but they're only serving seafood. I wake up worried about how the day will go. 12-1-2011

What the Squirrel's were Really Doing

I'm in a glade (look up exactly what a glade is; I know what I'm talking about), watching a squirrel dig up pecans. It's very realistic, and I can see it gathering a good bit of pecans before carrying them up a tree into a squirrel-hole. Don't ask me how; pecans are pretty big for a squirrel, but I'm sure they manage.
Next, I have a vision of squirrels arrayed around a little wooden table inside a minute kitchen in the tree. One squirrel is serving the rest of the squirrels pecan pie, and wearing an apron. Everything--of course--is made of wood. Woke up with my curiosity satisfied. 1-9-2012

College Party at Medieval Ruins with Father and Moustache

At a party at what appeared to be medieval ruins behind the water treatment plant at College. Nobody cared about me very much because I didn't know any of these people. I was trying to find my friend to make sure she was okay, but I ran into my father, who was inexplicably drinking with a bunch of kids around a fire. We caught up on our jobs, because we haven't met for a good while, but there was nothing interesting to say. He pointed out that I had a ridiculous, bushy, Mark Twain moustache, and this was indeed true. I left to find my friend again, and she was inside a grain silo (apparently). I couldn't figure out how to get inside, and nobody would tell me because the only person I actually knew at the party was my dad. I woke up upset. 1-13-2012